Archive for May, 2006

George W. Bush is in a tough spot these days.

His approval ratings are lower than Hugh Hefner’s sperm count. His only chance of dodging impeachment is keeping a thoroughly corrupted Republican Congress on Capitol Hill.

But he can’t be seen as helping them… Along comes William Jefferson to help him out. Since Jefferson is a corrupt Democrat, he can stop corruption investigations without looking partisan. So the White House joined in with demands from both parties’ congressional leaders (Including Dennis Hastert, the target of a corruption investigation himself)to demand that all materials (Presumably including the $90,000 in cash stuffed in the freezer) be returned to Representative Jefferson.

How about that? Bush’s first real attempt at being bipartisan, and he screwed it up.

There is no “separation of powers” issue. If you or I took $100,000 from an illegal source, were recorded promising illegal activity in exchange for it, and had it stuffed in Tupperware containers in the freezer, we would be sitting in a jail cell right now. No two ways about it.

And the president, of course, has never seen any form of corruption that he didn’t like. As Groucho Marx sang in the movie “Duck Soup”, “If anyone’s caught taking draft, and I don’t get my share/ I’ll stand them up against the wall and pop goes the weasel!” Yes, Tony Soprano gets a cut of all the money Paulie Walnuts makes.

And this morning, news reports are coming out of DC that Attorney General Alberto Gonzales and FBI Director Robert Mueller are going to resign if they are forced to turn materials back over to Jefferson.

I never thought I would find myself agreeing with the guy that called the Geneva Conventions “quaint”.

But even a broken clock is right twice a day.


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I know it’s difficult to believe when you look at me now, but I used to be in really great shape. I had been working in the gym industry for years, and at one point, I managed to get my body up to a very lean 245 pounds.

I could bench 300, although if I wanted to go for multiple reps, I had to bring the weight down to about 245. Before some knee injuries, my squats were routinely done with more than 400 pounds.

At the time, my legs were muscular enough that finding jeans was a challenge. If I bought a pair that was loose enough in the thigh to be comfortable, the waist was too big. At that point in my life, I was leg pressing roughly 700 pounds as a one rep max.

So I’m simply astounded that Pat Robertson claims to have leg pressed 2000 pounds because of the protein shake he’s hawking. Come to think of it, so is the Guiness Book, which lists the current world record at 1335 pounds. So are exercise equipment manufacturers— They know their products can’t hold that much weight.

There’s even a video of him “allegedly” leg pressing 1000 pounds. I’ve got a theory about how this video was shot.

Many years ago, WWF wrestlerAdrian Adonis had a storyline where he was going for a new world record in bench pressing. I forget the exact amount that he was lifting (I wasn’t watching, but I heard about it later from other wrestlers that worked out at my gym), but he was supposedly breaking a new world record with it.

The bench press that he ACTUALLY did was quite astonishing, but nowhere near a world record. The rest of the barbell was filled with dummy 45 pound plates to make it look like he was lifting about 200 more than he was.

The use of dummy plates is quite common. Think about an actor shooting a scene where he’s lifting weights. They shoot the same scene eight times from varying angles even if he’s lucky enough to get his lines right the first time. A real person lifting real weights would be so exhausted after all that that they couldn’t move.

So rather than buy his crappy shake, we should really give props to the prop department for helping Pat Robertson make a ludicrous claim.

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Classic Arms in Cordova obviously doesn’t know much about security. When you run a firearms shop, you really do have a moral and ethical responsibility to make sure your shop is secure. It’s not like you run a bakery or something— Items stolen from your business are destined to be used in crimes.

Yes, Classic Arms has been robbed twice in the last two weeks. Twenty-five pistols were taken from the shop in the wee hours of the morning. They join the twenty taken from the shop last week in the hands of people that can’t buy guns through legitimate sources.

I’ve debated gun control with dozens of people in the past. In fact, I’m currently embroiled in a terrific debate with Jeff over at Pesky Fly on this issue. The one thing that the pro-gun crowd seems to say over and over (Though thankfully not Jeff) is that criminals usually commit crimes with illegal guns.

This illustrates how easy it is to turn that perfectly legal killing machine that leaves the factory into an illegal gun in the hands of someone that may well use it in a driveby. All it takes is someone so sloppy or apathetic that they can’t secure their guns, and the streets are flush with firearms destined for the waistband of a criminal’s pants.

Yes, apparently, Classic Arms is run by Goober and Gomer. Despite being the targets of a break-in just last week, their security was so lax that the sophisticated method that the criminals used to steal an illegal weapons stockpile consisted of throwing something heavy through the window. Ingenius security system you guys have there.

I realize how ridiculously lax gun laws are in this state. But if you’re going to get a license as a firearms dealer, you better damn well have a security system more sophisticated than any self-respecting bakery would have.

Yes, they cost a little bit of money to install– But come on. Those steel curtains like you see on any liquor store on Winchester after closing time are certainly cheaper than replacing your plate glass window once a week.

45 guns on the streets in two weeks because the people that run Classic Arms are either too apathetic or incompetent to secure their stockpiles.

Take their licenses. They obviously lack the sense of responsibility required to keep a gun in the building. We don’t give them to kids. We don’t give them to monkeys. And we sure don’t give them to Gomer and Goober for safekeeping.


Incidentally, his coverage of this story earns Cameron Harper of Channel 24 News the Ted Baxter Award for sheer stupidity in journalism.

The classic line that earned him the award?

“Yeah, it looks like his store was targeted specifically for the guns.”

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146 more Americans died in Iraq last month. That brings the grand total to 2460 as of this writing. 2323 have died since George W. Bush’s costume party aboard the USS Abraham Lincoln.

And of course, this is Memorial Day Weekend— That time of year that we gather around to remember our fallen soldiers by… shopping.

I’ve been bombarded by Memorial Day sale emails. Circuit City, Best Buy, CompUSA, and let’s not even get into my junk mail folder (Okay, penile enlargement might be okay, but if I’m a customer for that, what are the odds that I might need all natural breast enhancement too? Okay, theoretically, I may be Marilyn Manson).

But is this really what Memorial Day is supposed to be about? Is Memorial Day supposed to be about 25% discounts at Crazy Bob’s Stereo Store?

Here’s a radical proposal for Memorial Day—

Take the day off from shopping. The only way to reverse the crass commercialization of dead soldiers is to make sure that the pricks that make their employees work that day have a really shitty one.

Freed up some time by doing your shopping early? Good.

A great way to spend it is by watching the HBO show “Baghdad ER”. It will be shown again at 9PM CST on Memorial Day (In horrifyingly high definition for those who have it). As you watch these heartbreaking stories play out on your television screen, you can’t get this one thought out of your head: We have to stop this.

Perhaps THAT is truly the best way to honor our fallen soldiers on Memorial Day— By thinking about ways to keep from adding to their number.

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Be There!

Because I can’t, sadly…

Tomorrow is the official opening of Steve Cohen’s campaign headquarters. It’s a great location— It’s in the same building as the TCBY on Union at McLean. There will be free food and drinks, and live music from someone whose name I didn’t catch (Sorry!).

If you’re not busy tomorrow, the grand opening is from 11-2. Steve Cohen is a great candidate and a great guy— Stop by and meet him.

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The Book of George
Chapter One

1. And George the Elder spake unto Barbara of Kennebunkport, formerly Barbara of New York, and said “We shall name him George as well. God smiles upon him by granting him my knowledge of economics.”
2. And Barbara of Kennebunkport said “I know not whether our son shares your knowledge of economics. I do know that he very nearly hung himself upon the umbilical cord. Perchance he not be the most productive oil well in the field?”
3. “Perhaps it is so”, George the Elder said. “Our children lead me to believe they womb be tainted, fair Barbara.”
4. “Even the most fertile field yields a perverted crop when fertilized by a dullard,” Barbara of Kennebunkport replied.
5. “The child drooleth muchly,”: George the Elder said, not trying to hide his disgust. “Give it yon pretzel to chew on and soak that up.”

Chapter Two
1. Not much is known of George the Younger as he grows up. Time runneth around him as though he cease to exist. ‘Tis a pattern that appears again during Vietnam.
2. George the Younger gathered yon Twelve Apostles around. He said “Kenny Boy, if a leper asketh for alms, what shouldst I do?”
3. And the Apostle Kenny Boy said “Thou art a decent soul, George, but too kind. What thou shouldst do is think about the amount of alms that thou wouldst have given the leper and give it to the energy industry in his stead.”
4. And George said “But… What of his hunger? If a leper starveth to death, are we not supposed to help?”
5. And the Apostle Rummy spake, saying “Nah. If you let him eat once, he’ll want to eat again. Over time, it eats into the military budget.”
6. The Apostle Condi said “We must split the money evenly between the military and the energy industry.”
7. The Apostle Rush said “The Apostle Condi speaks wisely. She was only appointed because she’s black and the liberal media was desirous of having a black woman apostle. But she has done much with the position. She’s miving on up. To the East Side. To a deluxe apartment in the sky. Has anyone seen my… um… vitamins?”
8. The Apostle Hastert snapped Rush’s man bra strap. Angered muchly, Rush popped Hastert’s man bra strap.
9. And George sayeth “What sayeth the Apostle Strom?”
10. The Apostle Dick said “George, how many times must we tell you? Strom hath been dead for thirty years. We carried him all these years like Weekend at Bernie’s, pretending him to be alive so that a Democrat might not win his seat. We had to give it up two years ago when his head fell off.”
11. And George sayeth “So… If we feed a starving man, he’ll only want to eat again, and that will make the military weak. So only people that hate America want to feed the hungry.”
12. Rummy sayeth “Finally, he gets it!”
13. “No financial help for the starving,” sayeth George.
14. “Halleleujah!” sayeth the other eleven apostles as the Apostle Rush muncheth his… um… vitamins.
15. “Plenty of financial help for those who don’t need it, right?” George asketh.
16. “Yes! Hallelujah!” the apostles shout.
17. “Finally,” sayeth George, “I am ready to be president!”
18. The apostles grew silent. Whether at the statement or all the pretty colors that danced before his eyes, even Rush grew silent.
19. Rummy leaned over to Dick and spake “Um… Shall we tell him he’s president already?”
20. Dick leaned over to Rummy and said “Verily, I would say nothing if thou wouldst say nothing.”

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Sorry about adding Word Verification on this site. After 30 ads put on here by a spammer in the course of a few minutes, I had to tighten things up.

Ain’t it sad? Things are harder for everyone because of the actions of a few dipshits.

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