So I heard yesterday that Roscoe Dixon was going to be interviewed on Action News 5 at 5. I was off yesterday, so I was playing my weekly game of “What the %$#* is That Smell in My Refrigerator?” and decided to listen to it.
What I heard was simply astounding. I wish I had been recording it. It was bizarre enough that I went in the other room, picked up my DVR remote, and rewound just to make sure I was hearing it right. I really wish i had recorded it— I half expect it to end up on YouTube in the next few days, and it surely would have if I had.
By this time, a jury had been deliberating his fate for seven hours. A jury in a trial where he had been caught on tape taking money from fake businessmen, and his defense consisted of saying “No, it wasn’t a bribe. I thought they just really, really liked me.”
And what did he do? He asked people to pray… And fast on his behalf.
I don’t know how many of you have seen Roscoe Dixon. He’s not Fat Bastard or anything, but it sure doesn’t look like he fasted himself too much in preparation for this trial. If I was in trouble, I sure couldn’t imagine him skipping a meal for me.
Yet there he was, asking people to stick to “Water, soda pop, or maybe a boiled egg” on his behalf so he doesn’t go to jail.
So in Roscoe’s honor, I ate spaghetti last night. I didn’t go to the trouble of making my special “from scratch” marinara, as that’s entirely too much trouble when I’m eating alone. But I can certainly say that Ragu was the best tasting jar I’ve ever opened.
I was also thinking “How would a prayer for Roscoe go?” Here’s what I came up with.
Roscoe isn’t very smart. When most legislators are taking a payoff for their vote, they have the sense to funnel it through their campaign funds with the legitimate donations, but that’s simply not Roscoe’s style.
And now he’s so narcissistic that he believes I should be asking you for mercy on his behalf. In fact, he seems to think I should go on some type of hunger strike until you intervene with the jury for him.
So Lord, I thank you for this meal which I am about to eat. If Roscoe manages to get acquitted despite being caught on videotape taking the money, I’ll know you have a sense of humor. In fact, that sense of humor is probably what Roscoe should pray for too.
Far be it for me to ask you for anything for me, but I wouldn’t be horribly upset if you sent Scarlett Johansen and Jennifer Connelly into my shower, or at least that cutie I keep seeing at mass. You know the one I’m talking about. Then I would know that you not only have a sense of humor, but you’re an all around swell guy, and I’ll sing “For He’s a Jolly Good Fellow” at top volume in your honor.
I am forever your sometimes surly servant, which if you help Roscoe get away with this, will mean that I’m Jeeves and you’re Bertie Wooster.
PS: Thank you for leading me to that bag of meatballs that was stinking up the fridge. I had quite forgotten they were in there.
You da man.