“I promise, by the year 2008,” the president said with a straight face as he stared into the camera, “to make monkeys fly. They will flap the little wings on their backs and soar like the mighty eagle”
The Democratic response was swift. Senator Harry Reid (NV) and Representative Nancy Pelosi both gave addresses that reminded Americans everywhere that monkeys were not, in fact, born with wings and that there’s little that a government can do to change that. Reid took it a step further and called the promise “unrealistic and irresponsible”.
The next day, Rush Limbaugh took to the airwaves railing that “Democrats are obstructing the president’s plan to develop flying monkeys”. Several of his callers swear to have actually had flying monkeys at some point, and that Janet Reno confiscated them to deploy as a secret paramilitary against Randy Weaver.
Where Rush goes, his imitators are sure to follow. Michael Savage claims that flying monkeys did inhabit the earth until ten years ago, but they all turned gay during the Clinton years and were unable to breed the next generation. G. Gordon Liddy claims that Ron Brown and Vince Foster had figured out the Clinton’s secret plans involving flying monkeys and had to be silenced.
Armstrong Williams says whatever the hell we want as long as there’s a check in it for him.
Over on Fox News, Brit Hume claims that any Democrat opposing the Flying Monkey plan is actually a flip flopper because Franklin Delano Roosevelt actually intended for monkeys to fly all along. Sean Hannity quotes statistics from an organization funded by Richard Mellon Scaife called People Who Don’t Hate America And Want a Simian Aviary that state that 75% of all monkeys born into the world today actually have the capability for flight. Alan Colmes questions the credibility of that one, and is never heard from again.
Bill O’Reilly adds to the résumé that already includes astronaut, pool cleaner, bikini model, Dallas Cowboys quarterback and cheerleader (At the same time), oil prospector, horse semen collector (Milk that prostate!), professional wrestler, ballerina, medium, Lotto winner, blackjack player, Jesuit priest, 70’s soul singer, shark fisherman, CIA agent, alpaca farmer, sherpa, aborigine tribal leader, encyclopedia salesman (Soon to evolve into encyclopedia writer), and his only verifiable job before Fox, tabloid TV reporter by indicating that he had participated in a program that unlocked a genetic sequence that made monkeys grow wings.
A new single hits record stores. It’s John Ashcroft’s reworked old single, newly transformed into “Let the Monkey Soar”.
Neil Cavuto reports on Fox that flying monkeys could conceivably be used as couriers, greatly reducing the cost of Fedexing packages around the world and indicates that he believes that George W. Bush will revitalize the sagging American economy with his flying monkey program. The entire right wing descends on Harry Reid for saying “He’s a partisan hack.”
In the Briefing Room, a male prostitute asks the Press Secretary “How are you doing? And if I may ask a follow-up question, how was your weekend?” Helen Thomas jumps onto her chair, turns her back to the Press Secretary, hikes up her dress and moons him while slapping her own bare buttocks in rhythm and singing “Babaloo”, and he still pretends not to have seen her.
On McLaughlin Group the following weekend, Tony Blankley insists that flying monkeys are the key to American air supremacy. Eleanor Clift gets annoyed with him and starts talking over him. Pat Buchanan speaks with quiet authority as he says “I’m not sure the United States government ought to be in the process of tinkering with animal genetics.” John McLaughlin implores him “But don’t you see the advantage of flying monkeys?”
The White House puts the president on a Flying Monkeys Tour of Congressional districts represented by Democrats that the president hopes to win over to the flying monkey cause. Despite sixteen staged town hall events with people reading talking point softball questions typed up by the White House Communications Department, support for the flying monkey program plummets another 15%. Even monkeys show up to voice their opinions by flinging poop at the presidential motorcade. Right wing activists immediately take out ads accusing them of supporting gay marriage and hating the troops.
In a Newsweek editorial, Joe Klein laments that the “President has lost… The nation has lost… And yes, the monkeys have lost.”